maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
