Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
