Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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