She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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