He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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