how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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