he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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