I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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