I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
