This is the prime rib incident all over again
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
