It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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