Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
