Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
