So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
