i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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