when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
