I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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