They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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