Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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