turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
