I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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