look no pants
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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