conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.