I hope mine doesn't look like that
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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