My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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