Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
