so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
