I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
