Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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