I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
