I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
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Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
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I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.