if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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