shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
