Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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