I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
