...so i touched it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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