Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
