You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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