Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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