you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
