he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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