How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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