I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
