can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
