I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
