You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
