So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
