i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
