I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
