I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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