I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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