i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
