Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
