***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
