Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
